TWO FAT FARANGS

Annie

Let me start by saying sorry to anybody who may have been concerned for my well-being. Things went a little tits up for awhile on the domestic homefront.

OK, to bring you up to speed quickly - Dar went into labour. I rushed her to the hospital, held her hand for three hours and watched her give birth to a beautiful baby girl.

I knew as soon as I saw the kid it wasn’t mine. I’m like an albino and Dar’s a light-skinned northern girl, so when I saw this dark brown baby I knew the father was her old boyfriend, this Thai guy from Chiang Mai.

When I first started seeing Dar she’d never stay with me the whole night. So one early morning I followed her to an appartment block. I waited outside for two hours, then watched her come out with this guy. She hugged him, then gave him what looked like cash.

I hedged my bets with my next move. I had moved to Chinag Mai, you see, to avoid the full time crazyness of Pattaya, but found it just as absorbing, only on a smaller scale. So I decided to retire to Pai, and I asked Dar if she would like to get married and come with me.

How fucking romantic. That’d be a little over nine months ago.

Don’t I just feel like a prick. I started this blog blabbering about how perfect my life was, the perfect wife and all that crap.

I’m too old now for losing my temper big time. I calmly told her and her family that I was going on the piss in Chiang Mai for a week and if the guesthouse wasn’t empty by the time I returned I’d burn the fucker down.

I couldn’t even look at the baby. I named her Annie after the Kid Creole and the Cocunuts song. Annie, I’m not your daddy.

That was fun in Chiang Mai. Locked in a hotel room with a twenty-two year old doll, a bottle of Sangsom a day and a box of perky pills. Happy days! Why did I want to settle down anyway? I think it was just to save me from the booze and the butterflying. My body can’t take the pace of the partying anymore, and the promiscuity really does become laborious after awhile.

John refused to post another blog until I had come on here and explained myself. I wasn’t purposefully trying to avoid him, I just stamped on my phone in a wee fit of rage outside the hospital. I don’t know what all the fuss was about, anyway, calling the police and posting missing notices on the net. I didn’t know he cared that much.

An old pal who has settled in Chiang Mai spotted me and gave John a call. He flew up and found me slumped at the end of a bar, bladdered, incoherently bartering with a ladyboy over a short-time 1000 baht I should have supposedly paid already.

John paid the lady for me, took me to a cafe, sobered me up with coffee, then gave me a good slap. Rightly so, I should have called him, and I completely ran away from this blog. The last thing I felt like doing was writing about one of the biggest kick in the balls I’ve ever taken. Especially with so many visitors to the site now. We’re up with the numbers this week, people. 12 unique visitors yesterday.

Sol has kindly invited me to stay with him and his people now I’m back in Pai, and I’ve been here a week now. I love what they’re doing here, but I’m an old man, and don’t feel like I really belong. Even if I could match their energy, I’m still not nearly as wise as them. I wish I had lived in their time.

After all the heartache, I feel good now. I’m not drinking. I’m eating properly, and meditating every morning and evening. I think I’ll be moving on soon.