TWO FAT FARANGS

Talking with the dead

Will — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 13:47:51 +0000

After reading James Eke’s email I became quite intrigued by this clairvoyant malarkey, so I asked Lek, a bar girl I’d spent a few days with, if she knew of anybody like this who we could go and see.
“Yes, me take you see,” she said, and we took a tuk tuk to the outskirts of Chiang Mai. “This lady, but not lady,” she explained on the way there. “Old man from long long time before come to she body.”
I took that as meaning a lady gets possessed by the ghost of an old fella who died years ago. We got dropped off at this old teak house on stilts. Underneath the house at the back was a tiled area where a few folks were sitting down facing a shrine with buddha trinkets, candles, incense sticks and bowls of food and flowers. We took a seat at the back.
a podgy lady in her mid-fifties then came out. She was wearing a white robe and her hair was cropped very short. She smiled at us all then sat down in front of the shrine. She then folded her hands in her lap, then closed her eyes and began chanting softly.
“Old man he come now,” Lek explained.
The lady’s body stiffened and she groaned deeply. her head went back and she belched. Then a loud groaning noise came out. I could feel the hairs on my arms pricking up. This was weird, and it didn’t look faked at all. More groaning, her head snapping back and forth, then she farted and relaxed.
“1.2.3.” she called out in a deep manly voice, and everybody laughed and looked round at me. “Good afternoon!” she exclaimed. I tried to laugh, but chuckled weakly. She was now a man. Not only the voice, but the facial expressions and the posture were masculine. If she was putting it on she was doing a very good job.
“Good afternoon!” he said again.
“Hello there,” I answered timidly.
The old man then settled down and those in front of us took it in turns to sit down with him. He (she) would mutter away to them but I couldn’t work out what he was saying.
“He talk same same people long time before,” Lek explained to me.
There were silver bowls off to the side and the people left gift donations and food in them. Our turn came and we sat down in front of him. With his hands folded in his lap he began chanting softly. He kept his eyes closed then tilted his head back and chuckled. He held two fingers up and said something.
I looked at Lek. “What does he say?” I asked.
She scowled at me. “He say you have two lady.”
I looked at him.
“Song,” he smiled craftily.
I patted Lek on the knee. “No, just one.”
She brushed my hand away, turned her head away and pouted. “What the fuck?” I muttered. We’d only been together a few days. None of her business how many I’ve got on the go. The truth was, though, that I didn’t have anybody else who I’d call a partner.
“There’s only Lek at the moment,” I told him.
He continued to chuckle away to himself. Then it hit me what he meant. The two gogo girls I’d had a few weeks ago. All of a sudden I felt like I was sitting in a pub with a buddy, sharing a laugh over a recent shag. I couldn’t help but grin.
He continued with the rest of the reading, chanting away to himself, then speaking. Lek got over her sulk and transalted for me. He told me I was a lucky man. He said I’d had great distresses in my past but there would be no more now. He also said I should never go back to England, and he hugged his arms and gave a mock shiver.
It was an extremely bizarre moment. I won’t be going back. Too weird.

Farang pay more

John — Sun, 15 Jul 2007 16:10:30 +0000

Having agreed to pay the 1.5 million baht asking price for this new house, the owners suddenly upped the price to 1.75 million. Typical, eh? The husband, who was away working in Taiwan, comes back and says their was a mistake in the printing on the advertising. Yeah, right. More likely he hears a farang is interested and thinks he can screw him for a few more baht. Cheeky bastard. It’s that kind of greedy thieving attitude I despise about Thais. I’m not saying they’re all like that but there’s times when you start thinking they’re all out to scam you.
So, we’ll keep looking for another house. There’s no way I’m going to pay their new asking price. It makes me wonder if they’ve said to Nam if she can persuade the dozey buffalo to pay the extra 250,000 they’ll give her a cut.
I’ve heard a few unfortunate tales of farangs and properties in Thailand, like the guy who bought a retirement house for himself and his beloved Thai darling (in her name). He went back to the UK for a few weeks, then came back to Thailand, put his key in the door and it wouldn’t open. A lady he didn’t recognise answered and said she’d just bought the house.
I sold the bar on and had a last night to remember with all the regulars. I felt quite emotional in fact. Pattaya can drain you at times, but I know I’ll sometimes miss it. I’m sure I’ll take trips back once in awhile to see old friends and have a few days of drinking and debauchary.

Letter from James Eke

John — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 14:17:58 +0000

James Eke has been a permanent resident in Thailand for 22 years. I met James four years ago in an Egyptian restaurant on Sukhumvit Soi 3, and we’ve kept in touch ever since. Yesterday I received an email from James. Here’s what he had to say:

Hey Big Willy, hows tricks? Sorry to hear about your bad luck with the kid and all. Only in Thailand, huh?
I’m done with this country now. I wish I could go back to how I felt those first few years here, but now I totally loathe the place. You know how I told you the story of how I went to see that clairvoyant all those years ago, and now I routinely pay her visit every few months to see what the future holds. {James was told by the clairvoyant that he needed to see a doctor immediately. He went for a check-up and found that he had testicular cancer}. I went to see her last week and I’ve been walking round in a state of paranoia ever since. She told me that I was in great danger, not only me but thousands of others in Thailand. She said a time will come when anybody who does not hold a Thai ID card will be deported. There will be a 28 period where all foreigners will be given chance to leave, after that we will be arrested and deported within another 28 day period. After that all farangs will be shot on the spot.
Can you believe that shit? I know you’re probably skeptical, Will, but this woman’s been pin-point perfect with every other prediction. Over the past few years I’ve definitely noticed a change in the Thais, they’re not as friendly, and they use us as scapegoats for everything that’s wrong with the country. They must be the worst race on earth for shunning their own responsibilties. And they’re all racist to the bone. They think we’re no better than animals, and look how they treat them. Buddhists! what a crock of shit.
I think about how the majority are Khmer in origin, and look what them fuckers did to their own lot. The woman said that the instruction would come from the very top, just one word. She also said it wasn’t just aimed at farangs, but it would be to sort out the Muslims in the south as well.
Thai rak Thai, hey? But at least Thaksin understood that we’re a multicultural planet, not like these xenophobic dinosaurs they’ve got in charge now.
As you go about your business here, paying your barfines, and falling in love every week, just remember that all Thais are bred to love only Thailand. When that word comes they won’t batter an eyelid.
Anyway, good luck and remember to look behind the smiles, my friend.

Best wishes
James